I finally wrote all this out after a weekend retreat with Cornerstone Chapel's youth group...
This weekend God really took every opportunity to speak to me and hit me with things that hadn't occurred to me before. On Friday night, God made it clear to me that the emptiness in my heart is completely mednable. I realized a lot about just how horrible I really am. But God told me that He sees my struggling and it's okay, because no matter how wrong I am, He still says boldly "See that one? She's mine." I've been spending myself and wasting myself on always being right, and it caused me to completely forget about just being His. I don't have to be right all the time, I just have to know that I am His, and no matter what, He wants it that way.
Sunday morning, God showed me something about my past that blew me away. This one was more like a vision. See, when I think about my past, and who I used to be, I remember one night, home alone, curled up on my bedroom floor, sobbing in pain and brokenness and thinking of just how easy it would be to end it all. My heart and soul were shattered from the inside out. I laid there and sobbed until I ached. That's how I always remember my past. That was my rock bottom.
But God has completely revolutionized the way I see that moment. In worship on Sunday, I was thinking of that time, and suddenly the scene changed. Yes, I was still the sobbing child I saw originally. But this time, the darkness of my room wasn't behind me. Instead the entire background of the scene was pure white. And I was still curled up into myself, aching with a pain I can't even fathom now, but Jesus was sitting there, crosslegged, and holding my crumpled up, sobbing form in His arms with tears streaming down his face. Now I know clearly what my past really was- I wasn't nearly as alone as I felt. God held me in His arms then and wept for the pain of His daughter. I should've known He was there. If He hadn't been, I'd be long gone by now.
The last, and maybe greatest, thing that God showed me was today in the car ride home, of all things. I was struggling with some things I'd rather not mention, laying with my head in a good friend's lap with tears rolling down my face. Again I saw the vision of Christ holding me, only this time it was me now, and He was whispering to me "Don't worry, you're still my darling. And I still have so much more for you."
Those words, being called God's darling, knowing that there's more to come and He's got it covered, brought so much peace to my heart that I couldn't describe it. I praise Jesus for making it clear to me that I always have been and always will be held fast in His arms.
This is not something I ever want to forget. And I don't want any of you to forget that He's holding you too, He sees your tears and struggling, but you're forever His darling and nothing is too big for Him to handle.
