Food for Thought

In a relationship, is it better to choose your battles, or to choose not to battle at all?

I say, instead of choosing what to battle about, take some time to pray and lay your weapons aside.  It isn't a battle- it's a chance to come to a compromise and better your relationship for the future.  And if it's something small, it's a chance to humble yourself before your significant other and love them in a more Godly way.

So, either drop the issue, or at least drop your weapons altogether.  If what you're seeking to gain from the "battle" is a "victory" over the one you love... then are you really loving them right?

Here's what some wiser than I say...

“The best relationships--friendship and otherwise--tend to be those where you *can* say anything to the other person but you don't say *everything*.” -Audrey Beth Stein

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.” -Anon 

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." -Emily Kimbrough

"In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely." -Robert Brault

<3 <3 <3

When the Going Gets Tough...

“Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.”  -Anon

Recent discovery: I am a Quitter.

I've noticed that, no matter what I'm committed to, when I start to get antsy and pushed beyond my comfort zone, I cop out.  And somehow I always make it sound eloquent, like it's the best thing for me.  It isn't.  It USUALLY isn't.  I don't like to be pushed.  Expanding my capacity to handle fear and discomfort makes me itchy.   

For example, I find leading worship to be terrifying.  Well, not so much anymore, but it's still definitely challenging.  I always thought I'd really WANT to lead worship if I was ever asked to, and now I'm like "Dude this isn't easy".  I shouldn't be surprised.  So- I got uncomfortable.  I realized just how completely incapable I am to lead people into the presence of the Lord.  But here's the thing- it is in my weakness that He is strong.  I'm blessed to be so confident in my inability, because through that, the Lord is more than able.

Being a worship leader is pushing me outside of my bubble- it's stretching me, and growing me, and making me trust in the Lord in new ways.  I wanted to step down, but it just took a little push from our wonderful worship director to make me realize this is where I need to be.  It really is a beautiful challenge.  I think the very fact that it is a challenge is a confirmation that it's where I belong.  It isn't where I more-than-anything want to be, but it's something that is pushing me.  I believe it has done and will continue to do amazing things in my relationship with the Lord.

So, I realized, no matter how eloquently you put the words "I quit", you're still a quitter.  It's like Adonai is saying, "Suck it up, Krista.  You know this is good for you, and pleasing to me.  And it's beautiful."

That's my Adonai- telling it like it is, in love, always <3

When the going gets tough, the children of the Lord stick it out.

<3 <3

Welcome to College

"I've got values that would make the White House jealous" -Rich Mullins

Can I just start off by saying; college is hard.  I am now a senior in high school, yet simultaneously I am enrolled as a full-time freshman at the University of Akron.  How is this possible?!  I'm in the post-secondary program at my school.  This allows me to get both high school and college credit for the college courses I'm taking.  Hopefully, this will save me thousands of dollars on classes when I attend Asbury University in the fall of 2011.

And again I state, it's hard.  They never really tell you just how important time management is to be successful in college.  I have four teachers, each assigning 30 page readings with ambiguous due dates that seem to mysteriously coincide.  And somehow my life has gotten a thousand times busier, and I can't seem to find any time for homework.  Only the Lord knows what I'm going to do when they start assigning readings AND legitimate homeworks.

By the way, two of my professors are gay.  One just fits the stereotype so clearly that it is absolutely undeniable, and the other doesn't seem gay, but is very open about it and decided to tell all of us students about his much younger "partner" on the first day of class.  May I also state that the adamantly gay one is my POLITICS teacher?  He has this lovely way of making conservatives sound like horrible people- for example, he phrases questions like this;

"Is it more important for the government to lower the deficit or to help the poor and helpless?"

WHOA THERE.  Now isn't THAT a loaded question?!  The "poor and helpless" are hardly ever truly helpless, they're more or less just lazy or uneducated.  Plus, if the government doesn't get its crap together before it tries to "help" any more people, it's going to run clean out of money to "help" with.

Also, I have come to discover that in college, assigned materials that are explicitly sexual and filled with bad language are typical.  Well, that's just the kind of stuff I want to fill my mind with!

Okay- so all else aside, it really isn't so horrible.  It's practical.  It's almost fun.  And it's going to save me money.  But, Lord help me, I know I can't make it through this semester without having a heated debate with my politics teacher.  ;)

Pray for me?

Carry Me By

"All I need is your love

To come and fill this heart of mine.

My heart is a desert

That has gone dry,

And I need Your love

To carry me by..." 

-All I Need, Shawn Mcdonald

     My heart is a desert that has gone dry... this I can understand.  I just pray for His love to carry me by.

     Making decisions is a funny thing for me; I can't ever seem to choose, so I more or less jump right in and pray that I'm not making a mistake.  My latest decision is to no longer be a worship leader.  In a way, this brings me a lot of relief.  A friend of mine once told me that you will always be able to handle the things that God asks you to do, but you won't always be able to handle the things people ask of you, or that you ask of yourself.  Leading worship is something I don't feel I can handle.  I haven't felt that I have truly worshiped in a long time...

     It's as though I've been adding more and more churchy things to my life and routine, in hopes that it would drown out the still small voice inside me whispering that my heart isn't in the right place.  I can do a thousand good things in the name of the Lord and lead worship a billion times, but if my heart isn't right with Him, it amounts to nothing.  I feel I need to take a step back, simplify the things I'm "doing for Christ", and get to a place where I'm ready and willing to simply spend time with Christ.  Until I can be with Him in that way, and worship Him wholeheartedly, I can't lead others into a place of worship with Him. 

     So, for now I strive to simplify, and to press in.  I strive to come back to a place where the Lord is my heart's true desire.  I strive to want nothing more than to sing to Him.  I strive to sing to Him with a joyful heart, no matter how I sound- for a joyful noise is music to Him.

And I will be a redeemed worshiper yet...

<3

To Be Found

Lonely and afraid,

Broken and ashamed,

I wander through the valley,

Always knowing that you'll find me. <3

Today, a wonderful friend led me to the words of Hosea 2:14-15;


"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
       I will lead her into the desert
       and speak tenderly to her. 

  There I will give her back her vineyards,
       and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
       There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt."


This is where I'm at right now.  I've been allured into the desert.  I feel so lost... surrounded by paths and never knowing which one to take.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my Maker and Guide.  I know that it's my own fault- it's always a slow fade, and no matter how much you say it came out of nowhere, you always know it's coming.  And yet, I find myself asking, how long, Lord?  How long until I hear your voice again?  How long must I roam the desert before I will once again rest by your life-giving oasis?  

How broken must I be before you will rush down to save me?

These are my questions, ignorant and arrogant though they may be, they all have something in common; Hope.


I'm getting by on hope and hope alone these days.  I have hope, and faith, that no matter how lost I am or ever will be, my Guide will find me.  Nothing short of His redeeming love can cause me to sing as I did in my youth again.  And there is nothing I long for more than to sing to Him that way once more, and forever more when I reach those pearly gates.  I don't know where I'm going, I don't like the looks of where I've been, and I can't hardly comprehend where I'm at...

So here I will wander and I will wait... to be found.

<3

"I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here."

It's strange to say it, but I think I'm in love.  My boyfriend, Zach, is better for me than I could ever have prayed for.  This man is a gift from God, and he is my anchor.

Get this.  We went to a Creed concert recently, and I got a little anxious.  I had a bit of a panic attack, and Zach left our wonderful pavilion seats to sit on the much less exciting lawn.  And then he bought me a single long-stem rose, gave me some water, and lead me back into the pavilion to enjoy the concert together.

If that isn't a great guy- then what is?

So, here's the thing- I've always had a "tight grip on reality", and I have plans.  In a year, I have my heart set on attending Asbury University in Kentucky- 6 hours away from home.  I've always had this pretty picture in my mind of what my future is going to look like... and it never included being in a serious relationship.  I want to be with him- I want to alter my plans for him.  But it just isn't easy to change something your heart is set on.

I guess, when you're in love, plans don't really matter.  No one "plans" to fall in love, and love remains no matter what your plans are.  I'm learning to stop planning, start loving, and love leaning on the Lord for my future.

Who needs plans anyways?

I can't let go of what's in front of me here...

<3