I Think I Have ADD Because- Squirrel!

     Right now, I'm multitasking. I am; writing this paper, listening to my favorite Pandora radio station, chatting with friends on Skype, Facebook creeping, looking up movie reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and texting 3 of my “closest” friends. I am your average Generation Y-er. I do all of these things simultaneously, and am convinced that I am doing them all well. I just checked Facebook again.

     This is the problem with my generation- we've given ourselves ADD. Generation Y has created a trap through the internet, and we willfully ensnare ourselves in that trap daily; but, with a little discretion, we can wriggle our way out of our trap.

     Science has proven that we can't do more than one thing at a time and do it well, yet if our focus is on one thing alone, we get bored. How many times have you been sitting in front of the TV, half-watching a show, felt bored, and decided to get out your laptop and creep around on Facebook? Don't lie. I know you creep. So now you have the TV on and Facebook open. Your brain is on a constant quest for entertainment, amusement, and satisfaction. And because we can't seem to do just one thing at a time, we do nothing to the best of our abilities. I just tweeted that.

     We like to think that all of this multitasking is good training for us- that someday, because we were once technology-obsessed, we're going to enter the workforce and be capable of completing thirteen projects at a time, all the while texting our boss . Oh, us Generation Y-ers, we're wishful thinkers, aren't we? But, alas, as I mentioned before, we can't actually do more than one thing at a time. At least, we can't do it well. Scientific studies, such as that conducted by psychologist and scholar David Myer, Ph.D (I always wondered what that stood for. I'll have to Google it) show that multitasking in the office world really isn't all that beneficial.

     According to Meyer, (who is a Doctor of Philosophy, according to Google's explanation of Ph.D) if we were to jump around from word processing, to answering phones, to talking with the boss, and back again, we would decrease in efficiency for our employer by anywhere from 20 to 40 percent. Meyer puts it in layman's terms for us here; “In effect, you've got writer's block briefly as you go from one task to another”. So, as we switch tasks, we hit a bit of a road block when refocusing on a different task. Think about it; how many times have you checked Facebook halfway through an essay, came back, and realized you had no idea what you had been typing about? Guess what I just did. Anyways, it makes sense, doesn't it? We can't focus on more than one thing at a time, we've all experienced it. So much for our attempted wishful-thinking.

     Maybe instead we ought to attempt to steer clear of the trap that we've created for ourselves. Think about the internet; between YouTube, Skype, Google and Myspace (okay not myspace, we all know that's for middle schoolers) we hardly have time for anything else. Let's look at the Big Kahuna of the internet; Facebook. How many times do you check yours per day? How often do you go a whole day without checking it at all? For many of us, it's almost like we're addicts. Only, we can stop any time we want to... right?

     Wrong. I always thought that I could stop whenever I wanted. In fact, when approaching this essay, I decided I would forgo Facebook for a day and then discuss how it improved my quality of life. Had I gone through with it, I expect I would have spent the whole day outside, dancing in the rain, running through wildflowers, and riding a horse up and down the beach. Or something of equal outdoorsy extravagance. But, sadly, I did not go through with it. In fact, I found that I could not, even if I tried. It has become so second-nature to check my notifications that I just can't seem to stop. When I attempted to avoid it, I couldn't help but wonder if anyone had commented on that cute picture I uploaded of my dog asleep in my bed last night. It was torture- pure torture, I tell you!

     Okay, maybe that's a little melodramatic, and maybe I'm a wee bit more addicted than your average Generation Y-er, but I think my sheer inability to resist Facebook says something about all of us; we have created a trap for ourselves. It seems that we have become enslaved, in a sense, to the feeling of accomplishment we get when that little red number in the upper left hand corner is higher than five. We are slaves to our notifications.

     On the other hand, we all know there are many upsides to Facebook. We can; connect with friends who live far away, maintain long-distance relationships, dig up old friendships from the past, update our friends on our lives, and keep tabs on our boyfriend/girlfriend! (Or is that just me?) Not to mention those 75 birthday wishes we receive once a year. Now all we need is a “dislike” button.

     So, it comes down to a matter of making sure we don't have too much of a good thing. There's nothing wrong with the occasional mobile upload of that female Justin Bieber lookalike you saw at the mall; but we all need to take a break and go horseback riding on the beach sometimes. Generation Y, we can get ourselves out of this trap we've fallen into, one task at a time. I know that statement is true because, so far, six of my Facebook friends have liked it.

Distinctions.

Are You Ill?

      Let's take a trip down Hypothetical Lane to a different world.

      This world isn't all so different from our own- there are people who believe in right and wrong, there are roads and cities and buildings, jobs and families, and the people here look like us, too. But, the key difference is, this world has a different definition of “normal” than we do.

      For them, normal is seeing things that most others don't, hearing voices others can't hear, believing in things that others do not, and acting on their emotions in outbursts. When they speak, it always comes out in a stream of consciousness. They do not all believe in one single definition of reality; they all see and hear different things, and as far as they're concerned, that's how it should be. This seems so strange to us, but the majority of them live with these things every day. In fact, they not only live with them, but they enjoy them and take delight in the way that each individual perceives reality. In this world, so different from our own, this is how the vast majority lives.

      But there are others- a select few, like us, who don't hear voices or see images, don't act on emotion, and think that we all ought to see things the same. This is our place in this society. The rest of the world doesn't like us- they say it's “unnatural” to speak about one subject at a time, rather than lapsing into streams of consciousness. People like us are deemed “mentally ill”.

      They evict us from our homes when we lose our jobs for being unable to function “properly” in this world's workplace. Most of us live on the street. Our few personal items are stowed safely away in retired shopping carts. There's almost nothing we can do. Almost.

      There are a “lucky” few of us who find “help”. We get checked into mental hospitals, where they lock us in white rooms and pretend to try to “understand” what we think and feel. They force-feed us hallucinogens until we are satisfactorily seeing images and hearing voices. Then they throw us back into society with our bottle of drugs and expect us to know how to live. We get along okay- some people try to accept us because we “sought help”; others refuse to acknowledge us because we “just aren't normal”. Society thinks we're better off now that we have our “medications” pumping through our systems, and now that they can accept us into the general public, but we feel out of control. We miss the way life used to be- when the voices didn't distract our minds and we spoke by topic, not by thought. Society can't understand this. Why can't they see that we could function perfectly, without medication, if only they would accept our differences?

      This is the life of a “mentally ill” person in our own, real, society. This is the life of Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, and others like him. Society does not accept them and their differences- instead, it tries to medicate them into not being different at all. We try to make everyone the same. “Mentally ill” people shouldn't have to change their view of reality; rather, society should learn to accept the way others view reality instead of labeling them as “ill”.

      The very fact that we label people as mentally “ill” shows that we think there is something wrong with them- and that it needs to be remedied. How do we know that there's something wrong? In many instances, these people are comforted by their hallucinations and delusions. To many, their “symptoms” are their comfort, and in their eyes there's nothing wrong with it. In the film version of The Soloist, a female resident at LAMP (who is an actual resident, not an actress) explains that she doesn't like taking Lithium because it makes “the voices” go away, but the voices comfort her. This is how many mentally “ill” people feel- in fact, some don't feel ill at all.

      Society should no longer refer to this group of people as “ill”. In The Soloist, Nathaniel reacts terribly to being called mentally ill, and adamantly states that he is not ill and does not need to be hospitalized or treated (Lopez, 257). A kinder, and more accurate, description for them would be “mentally distinct”. This term is more accurate because these people are not ill- they simply see reality in a different way than we do. It is kinder to refer to them as distinct because “ill” has such a negative connotation. Changing the word to “distinct” would make it more politically correct.

      But this change in terminology should not be merely about political correctness- it should be about valuing people for who they are and how they view reality. It shouldn't be just what we call them- it should be how we perceive them. Viewing them as distinct shows appreciation for the original perspective that they bring to the table. Think about how it would feel, in that other world we visited, to be constantly referred to as “ill”. Think about how Nathaniel Anthony Ayers must have felt, being a mentally “ill” outcast. “Mr. Ayers and millions of others have been defined by labels and socially ostracized because of them” (Lopez, 288). This is the truth of what negative terms and labels will do to people.

      Simply regarding someone with a more respectful title, and viewing them as equals, can aid the distinct in meshing with society more successfully. Mr. Ayers finds frustration in being viewed as ill, and as a lesser person, and bursts out, “I am not going to have any more of this Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel. I'm Nathaniel and you're Mr. Lopez, and there is not going to be any more of that” (Lopez, 258). This is a clear representation of how detrimental it is to others when we, as a society, view the mentally distinct as lesser than us, rather than as our equals- and this is clearly a step we have to take.

     There is a slew other avenues that we must travel in order to build the necessary bridges between the mentally distinct and the rest of society. Many steps must be taken, and it will be a long process, to bring our world and the one down Hypothetical Lane to balance in harmony. But this, the simple change of perspective and tweak of terminology, is a solid first step down Literal Lane to bring our own society to unity.

Coercing Me To Consider (Again)

I'm still loving this website; MakesMeThink.com.  It really helps get me in a deep-thinking mood in the morning.
Here are my thoughts for today;

Today, the bottles of liquor in our kitchen cupboard are gathering dust. Five years ago my parents almost got divorced because my mom was an abusive alcoholic. MMT

Thought: There's hope.  The very temptation that rips your life apart can someday sit right in front of you and have no effect at all.  You can gain back control of your temptations and make right your life.  It's beautiful. 

Today, when I lifted my sleeve to cut, the sentence, “You are beautiful.” was written in blue ink on my arm over my scars. I fell asleep in the back of the auditorium during drama class at the end of the day. One of my classmates must have written it while I was asleep. It made me smile and I didn’t cut today. MMT 

Thought: Again!  Loving avidly, adamantly, unendingly, outwardly, and Godly can change everything for someone- so why don't we do it constantly?!

Today, I came to the realization that I waste 75% of my life on the Internet. Then, 5 minutes later, I caught myself publishing this insight on my blog. MMT

Thought: This will be the last time I get online today.  Maybe I'll even do a fast from it.

Today, I realized that some of the most interesting and insightful people in my life are the ones who made me think, "What a weirdo…" when I first met them. MMT

Thought: I think I'm that person to others haha

Today, I got a phone call from my grandfather. He's been in a coma for almost a year. Last week the doctors told my family he may never wake up. MMT

Thought: I'm going to call my grandpa.  Because it's beautiful that I can.

<3 <3 <3

Coercing Me To Consider

I found a new website today:  MakesMeThink.com
It's somewhat like My Life is Average, only it's deep.  Very deep.
Here are some of the entries and what they made me think:


Today, I asked my 6 year old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said, "Mommy, all I want to be is happy." MMT

Thought: It would appear that this little guy misunderstood the question... or that he understands the question better than most.



Today, my cousin died. He has been a Marine for 6 years. He fought for our country overseas on 3 separate tours in Iraq. He came home on leave 2 weeks ago and was killed by a drunk driver. MMT

Thought: He fought for America- and a flaw that is a part of America (drunk driving) killed him.  He fought for this??  I will never drive drunk.  Ever.



Today, while I was driving my grandfather to his doctor's appointment, I complained about hitting 2 red lights in a row. My grandfather chuckled and said, "You always complain about the red lights, but you never celebrate the green ones." MMT

Thought: So, old people get it.  And children get it.  How do we all get so lost somewhere in the middle?



Today in downtown San Diego, I watched a blue collar Mexican man get harassed for being Mexican. It was a blatant act of discrimination. And the man actually began crying. As he left the office building, he took off his jacket. His t-shirt underneath read, "I love the USA!" MMT

Thought: We need to love.  Avidly.



I can't go on, because I'm getting very tearful reading some of these.  It's a good reminder to love, but not for the easy criers. 

<3 <3 <3

Phobophobia?

 This post is not recommended for the phobophobic.

Staying with the light mood, here are some very intriguing phobias;

Phobophobia - Fear of phobias

Allodoxaphobia - Fear of opinions.

Anablephobia - Fear of looking up. 

Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. 

Bromidrosiphobia - Fear of body smells.

Chaetophobia - Fear of hair.

Caligynephobia - Fear of beautiful women.

Chromatophobia - Fear of colors.

Clinophobia - Fear of going to bed.

Decidophobia - Fear of making decisions.  *I must have this one... I think... :/ I dunno, I can't decide*

Deipnophobia - Fear of dining and dinner conversation.

Euphobia - Fear of hearing good news.

Geliophobia - Fear of laughter.

Homilophobia - Fear of sermons.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words.

Soceraphobia - Fear of parents-in-law.

Rhytiphobia - Fear of getting wrinkles.

Phronemophobia - Fear of thinking.

Optophobia - Fear of opening one's eyes.

Namatophobia - Fear of names.

Melophobia - Fear of music.

Linonophobia - Fear of string

Kathisophobia - Fear of sitting down.

Theatrophobia - Fear of theaters

Uranophobia - Fear of heaven.

Vestiphobia - Fear of clothing.

Walloonphobia - Fear of Walloons.  Walloon: one of a people inhabiting chiefly the southern and southeastern parts of Belgium and adjacent regions in France.
 
Xanthophobia - Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.

Zemmiphobia - Fear of the great mole rat.

 

<3 <3

Keeping it Light

For once, I want to blog light.  Everything is always so heavy and emotional- it's like eating a steak for dinner every night when your body really just wants a nice salad- let's keep it simple.


20 Things I've Learned This Week;

1. What you think your future holds is hardly ever right

2. You can't get through even a small home renovation without having some sort of issue
 
3. Renovation issues, though they may seem to be Armageddon, are not.

4. If you train your dog, then stop training it, it very efficiently unlearns everything you taught it

5. Trying to re-train your dog is much harder than training your dog right the first time

6. You're never too young for daily vitamins, benefiber, and omega 3 pills

7. Procrastination doesn't always lead to failure

8. Exercising stops being appealing after awhile

9. Ann Coulter is mean, but funny, and usually right.

10. There are websites that actually tell you exactly how to do amazingly at a job interview

11. It's extremely exciting to know someone liked your application enough to call you in for an interview

12. The prospect of having a job is even more exciting

13. Not everyone is going to be happy for you when you succeed.  In fact, many will be too busy being sad for themselves.
 
14. Being an A student in high school doesn't guarantee you will be one in college

15. Professors don't actually notice whether you're on Facebook during class or not

16. White eyeliner is NOT just for black people

17. Different mascara gives you different looks

18. Washing your face too many times can seriously hurt the skin around your eyes

19. Being too scared to wash your face because of the pain and sleeping with your make up on makes getting ready in the morning much easier

20. There's nothing that will make you feel classier than treating your man to a date.

21. Prolife pins look great on knit caps

There you have it- the lightest blog I've ever blogged.  Not even 100 calories!

<3 <3 <3

Composition Essay

Krista Armstrong

Composition

Giaconia

10/01/10

Stupid Cupid?

Cupid exists. Okay- so not the diaper-wearing cupid that flies around shooting arrows at people, but the cupid that is representative of love. We, as humans, have simply created this little cherub to represent what love is, so, essentially, cupid is love. Everyone, even the skeptics, have a little bit of cupid floating around inside them. No one is insusceptible to love- and love is the most real thing in the world.

Scientists and skeptics like to say that love is just a chemical reaction in our brains; it's simply neural energy snapping across a synapse, making us feel all gooey inside. Apparently, because it's only a chemical reaction, love doesn't truly exist. Well, let's think about this for a moment; what are some other things that are simply chemical reactions? Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting- these are all chemical reactions. When you taste something delicious, do you think to yourself “This doesn't actually taste good- in fact, this flavor doesn't even exist, because it's just a chemical reaction in my brain”? When you smell the sweet, fresh scent of lavender, do you say “I shouldn't bother enjoying this, because the scent doesn't exist- It's only a reaction in my brain”? Would you ever deprive yourself of the enjoyment of your favorite music, simply because hearing is a serious of vibrations, leading to a chemical reaction in your brain?

If you answer these questions with a monotone “yes”, (it has to be monotone, because you won't bother feeling one way or another about it- it's all chalked up to chemicals anyways) then you have full permission from me to disregard love as non-existent. If you're going to choose to discredit all your senses, you may as well throw love in there too. Enjoy (or don't, what's it matter anyhow?) your lackluster life.

On the other hand, if your answer to these questions was a stern, or emphatic, or joyful, or sorrowful, or lazy, or otherwise “no”, then you, my friend, know that love exists. It is just as much a chemical reaction as are tasting, smelling, and hearing- so why would anyone attempt to argue that it should not be embraced? Embrace the taste, smell, and sound of love- because, clearly, it exists.

Now, back to our dear friend Cupid- he has been built, structured, and framed precisely to represent what love is in our eyes. There are a few key things that Cupid is contrived of in every depiction; his arrow, his wings, his bow, his diaper, and his baby face. All of these things represent a part of love.

Cupid's arrow shows how we fall in love- sometimes it's messy or a little bit painful, and you never really know what hit you, much like getting hit with an arrow. His wings are how we feel when we're in love- that floaty, gooey, walking-on-air-with-my-head-in-the-clouds sort of feeling. The bow represents the time spent between you and your significant other before falling in love- you stretch and stretch yourself, to the point that it is usually awkward and uncomfortable, until finally you snap- and there you are, in love. Cupid is a baby, showing how innocent first love is- it's all about being goo-goo ga-ga over each other in the beginning. And Cupid's diaper can be both how love ends, and how love feels sometimes- pretty crappy.

But, crappy as it may seem at times, I know I've fallen in love. My boyfriend of nine months, Zach, and I have a relationship that is clearly encompassed by the Cupid depiction. When we were first friends, we were in the stretchy, uncomfortable, unsure bow-stage; I didn't want to date him, and then I did, and then I didn't, and then I did, and then... Well, eventually I snapped, and decided to date him. I hardly noticed we were falling in love until he dropped me off at an exam one day and I accidentally said “I love you” as I was climbing out of the car. I failed that exam- that was the arrow-stage. Then we were in the baby-stage- our love was pure and innocent and we had no idea what we were doing. Next came the diaper-stage- we had a lot of little tiffs, and a few large-scale fights, and it felt pretty crappy during those times. Now, Zach and I have finally joyfully settled into the wing-stage. We have our hard times, but now we have our head in the clouds and our feet on the ground. We're learning to love each other better and treat each other better every day, and it's the greatest feeling in the world, I believe. It's like- I feel like I could fly, but only because I know he'd catch me when I came tumbling down to earth.

Alright, enough of that sappiness. It all comes back to Cupid, and he doesn't get enough recognition for it. Think about it; Santa Claus represents gifts and presents, the Easter Bunny represents candy that comes out of eggs (what's with that anyways? Candy doesn't come out of eggs, and bunnies are mammals- they don't lay eggs) and the Tooth Fairy is all about leaving you money for your teeth (I hope she isn't collecting them to be recycled). Cupid represents love- something we all experience in one form or another in our lives, something we all value, something that every last one of us can relate to. He definitely deserves more credit than he's given.

Love is the most real thing there is- we all will experience it at some point, and we should make note to enjoy it as much as we can, because you don't choose not to enjoy pie just because it involves your brain to interpret that it is good. Cupid, in all his diapered-baby glory, is a brilliant depiction of what love is, and because of this, he exists in one form- the form of love.

Baby Steps

God made the pages of my devotional book stick together today.

Today is September 23rd.  I inadvertently turned too many pages, and read the daily word for September 25th.

And it was exactly what I needed.

"Pour all of your energy into trusting Me. It is through trust that you stay connected to Me, aware of My Presence.  Every step on your life-journey can be a step of faith.  Baby steps of trust are simple for you; you can take them with almost unconscious ease.  Giant steps are another matter altogether: leaping across chasms in semidarkness, scaling cliffs of uncertainty, trudging through the valley of the shadow of death.  These feats require sheer concentration, as well as utter commitment to Me.

Each of My children is a unique blend of temperament, gifted-ness, and life experiences.  Something that is a baby step for you may be a giant step for another person, and vice versa.  Only I know the difficulty or ease of each segment of our journey.  Beware of trying to impress others by acting as if your grant steps are only baby ones.  Do not judge others who hesitate, in trembling fear, before an act that would be easy for you.  I each of My children would seek to please Me above all else, fear of others' judgments would vanish, as would attempts to impress others. Focus your attention on the path just ahead of you and on the One who never leaves your side."

-Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

I needed to realize that my baby steps are giant steps for others, and my giant steps are baby steps for some.  We are each a unique blend.  And that's just the way our Adonai likes it.

<3 <3 <3

Cats and Their Fights

I wonder about lesbians.

Honestly, I could never like another girl.  I find it hard enough to get along with them on a friendship basis- let alone attempt a romance with one O.o

I have to say I agree with men on this one- girls/ladies/women are downright complicated, confusing, and catty. 

So, here's what's got my knickers twisted- someone wants to "work things out" with me.  We've been in a precarious place with each other for a looong time now, and I guess the time has bred anger in her... whereas, in me, time has healed some of the wounds and I've let my bygones be bygones.  She's declared that if I simply apologize for everything I've "done" to her, things will be just peachy keen between us again.  Only, haven't I been down that road before?  No matter how extensively I apologize for the things that, supposedly, I did to her, she hates me.  Even when I thought we were best friends, she hated me.

And, I mean, really I'm not even mad.  I care about this girl.  Like I said- as far as I'm concerned, she was, at one time, my closest and dearest friend.  I want things to go well for her.  I find joy in seeing her progression with the Lord.  She's growing up, maturing, finding more God, getting richer in her relationship with Christ, and that brings me joy!  I'm happy for her.  So no- there isn't even any anger in me towards her.

It's more like befuddlement.  She doesn't seem to actually want to get along, or work things out, or else she would have left her grudges in the past.  I think she just wants to "win".  I don't understand this- win what?  There's no competition here.  But I can't shake the feeling that, if I humble myself and apologize and admit everything is all my fault, it'll give her some sort of satisfaction that she is the victor.

And that's where the befuddlement comes in- if she truly wanted to work things out, with good intentions, I'd be glad to do so.  But if she simply wants to win... I'm not going to apologize just to give her a false sense of victory.  It goes back to my last few blogs- loving people right requires not seeking victory over them.  And I don't want victory- I want to give her the opportunity to learn from this situation.  I'd like to see it cause her to grow in the Lord.  But if she doesn't... then what? 

Do I apologize without sincerity- just to clear the air?

Do I not, and just allow her to keep hating me?

Do I really want to withstand the unwarranted personal attacks that I know will come with the attempt of working things out?

Well, the answer to that is clear; no way Jose. 

Lord, help me to be humble.  Help me to put my heart in the right place.  Provide me with the wisdom and guidance that I need to meet this situation in the most God-like way possible.  Thank you for having your hand on this situation- and most of all, thank you Lord for understanding women.  Amen <3 <3

On a lighter note- here's a picture of my puppy with a branch in his mouth.

Getting Deep

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis 

There's something difficult about trying to sustain a friendship. 

It's like- can't we just love and trust each other without having to text 24/7 or hang out every other day?  There are a lot of people I feel this way about.  I love them, no matter how often I see them.  My good friend, Charlotte, is an example of this.  We've been best friends since the womb- I still remember at my 6th (or was it 7th?) birthday party; my dad told a scary story, and Charlotte grabbed me and screamed and the top of her lungs.

We still scream at the top of our lungs when we see each other- because it isn't very often that we do.  But somehow, whenever we do get together, it's almost like we've never been apart.  I know that I can trust her and be open with her about anything.

I have many friends like that- we're all too busy to see each other often, but still love each other like crazy.  And there's definitely something to be said for a friendship like that- but there's also something to be said for sustaining a friendship by seeing one another.

So, in these next 2-3 weeks, I'm on a mission; I intend to get together with as many friends as possible.  You can never have too many friends- it's a beautiful thing, how God has created relationship to be unlimited.  You can love 10 close friends, and still have more than enough love for 10 more.  I know they say you only have a few close friends when you get older, but for now, I enjoy having many people I call good friends. 

I've already scheduled get-togethers with 6 people that I love- and I'm sure there is more to come.  I seek to reconnect.  I want to get on a deeper level- delve in to the depths of a Godly love, with friends of every shape and size.   I want to know where people are at- pray for them, pray with them, laugh, joke, talk, binge, indulge, and love with someone- with everyone, if it were up to me.

It is my prayer that you will be challenged by this- to call up an old friend, go out for coffee, and get deep with them again.  Or to call up the best Friend we all have- the one who is royalty- and get deep with Him again.

Best friends & Cousins

<3 <3 <3

Food for Thought

In a relationship, is it better to choose your battles, or to choose not to battle at all?

I say, instead of choosing what to battle about, take some time to pray and lay your weapons aside.  It isn't a battle- it's a chance to come to a compromise and better your relationship for the future.  And if it's something small, it's a chance to humble yourself before your significant other and love them in a more Godly way.

So, either drop the issue, or at least drop your weapons altogether.  If what you're seeking to gain from the "battle" is a "victory" over the one you love... then are you really loving them right?

Here's what some wiser than I say...

“The best relationships--friendship and otherwise--tend to be those where you *can* say anything to the other person but you don't say *everything*.” -Audrey Beth Stein

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.” -Anon 

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." -Emily Kimbrough

"In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely." -Robert Brault

<3 <3 <3

When the Going Gets Tough...

“Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.”  -Anon

Recent discovery: I am a Quitter.

I've noticed that, no matter what I'm committed to, when I start to get antsy and pushed beyond my comfort zone, I cop out.  And somehow I always make it sound eloquent, like it's the best thing for me.  It isn't.  It USUALLY isn't.  I don't like to be pushed.  Expanding my capacity to handle fear and discomfort makes me itchy.   

For example, I find leading worship to be terrifying.  Well, not so much anymore, but it's still definitely challenging.  I always thought I'd really WANT to lead worship if I was ever asked to, and now I'm like "Dude this isn't easy".  I shouldn't be surprised.  So- I got uncomfortable.  I realized just how completely incapable I am to lead people into the presence of the Lord.  But here's the thing- it is in my weakness that He is strong.  I'm blessed to be so confident in my inability, because through that, the Lord is more than able.

Being a worship leader is pushing me outside of my bubble- it's stretching me, and growing me, and making me trust in the Lord in new ways.  I wanted to step down, but it just took a little push from our wonderful worship director to make me realize this is where I need to be.  It really is a beautiful challenge.  I think the very fact that it is a challenge is a confirmation that it's where I belong.  It isn't where I more-than-anything want to be, but it's something that is pushing me.  I believe it has done and will continue to do amazing things in my relationship with the Lord.

So, I realized, no matter how eloquently you put the words "I quit", you're still a quitter.  It's like Adonai is saying, "Suck it up, Krista.  You know this is good for you, and pleasing to me.  And it's beautiful."

That's my Adonai- telling it like it is, in love, always <3

When the going gets tough, the children of the Lord stick it out.

<3 <3

Welcome to College

"I've got values that would make the White House jealous" -Rich Mullins

Can I just start off by saying; college is hard.  I am now a senior in high school, yet simultaneously I am enrolled as a full-time freshman at the University of Akron.  How is this possible?!  I'm in the post-secondary program at my school.  This allows me to get both high school and college credit for the college courses I'm taking.  Hopefully, this will save me thousands of dollars on classes when I attend Asbury University in the fall of 2011.

And again I state, it's hard.  They never really tell you just how important time management is to be successful in college.  I have four teachers, each assigning 30 page readings with ambiguous due dates that seem to mysteriously coincide.  And somehow my life has gotten a thousand times busier, and I can't seem to find any time for homework.  Only the Lord knows what I'm going to do when they start assigning readings AND legitimate homeworks.

By the way, two of my professors are gay.  One just fits the stereotype so clearly that it is absolutely undeniable, and the other doesn't seem gay, but is very open about it and decided to tell all of us students about his much younger "partner" on the first day of class.  May I also state that the adamantly gay one is my POLITICS teacher?  He has this lovely way of making conservatives sound like horrible people- for example, he phrases questions like this;

"Is it more important for the government to lower the deficit or to help the poor and helpless?"

WHOA THERE.  Now isn't THAT a loaded question?!  The "poor and helpless" are hardly ever truly helpless, they're more or less just lazy or uneducated.  Plus, if the government doesn't get its crap together before it tries to "help" any more people, it's going to run clean out of money to "help" with.

Also, I have come to discover that in college, assigned materials that are explicitly sexual and filled with bad language are typical.  Well, that's just the kind of stuff I want to fill my mind with!

Okay- so all else aside, it really isn't so horrible.  It's practical.  It's almost fun.  And it's going to save me money.  But, Lord help me, I know I can't make it through this semester without having a heated debate with my politics teacher.  ;)

Pray for me?

Carry Me By

"All I need is your love

To come and fill this heart of mine.

My heart is a desert

That has gone dry,

And I need Your love

To carry me by..." 

-All I Need, Shawn Mcdonald

     My heart is a desert that has gone dry... this I can understand.  I just pray for His love to carry me by.

     Making decisions is a funny thing for me; I can't ever seem to choose, so I more or less jump right in and pray that I'm not making a mistake.  My latest decision is to no longer be a worship leader.  In a way, this brings me a lot of relief.  A friend of mine once told me that you will always be able to handle the things that God asks you to do, but you won't always be able to handle the things people ask of you, or that you ask of yourself.  Leading worship is something I don't feel I can handle.  I haven't felt that I have truly worshiped in a long time...

     It's as though I've been adding more and more churchy things to my life and routine, in hopes that it would drown out the still small voice inside me whispering that my heart isn't in the right place.  I can do a thousand good things in the name of the Lord and lead worship a billion times, but if my heart isn't right with Him, it amounts to nothing.  I feel I need to take a step back, simplify the things I'm "doing for Christ", and get to a place where I'm ready and willing to simply spend time with Christ.  Until I can be with Him in that way, and worship Him wholeheartedly, I can't lead others into a place of worship with Him. 

     So, for now I strive to simplify, and to press in.  I strive to come back to a place where the Lord is my heart's true desire.  I strive to want nothing more than to sing to Him.  I strive to sing to Him with a joyful heart, no matter how I sound- for a joyful noise is music to Him.

And I will be a redeemed worshiper yet...

<3

To Be Found

Lonely and afraid,

Broken and ashamed,

I wander through the valley,

Always knowing that you'll find me. <3

Today, a wonderful friend led me to the words of Hosea 2:14-15;


"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
       I will lead her into the desert
       and speak tenderly to her. 

  There I will give her back her vineyards,
       and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
       There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt."


This is where I'm at right now.  I've been allured into the desert.  I feel so lost... surrounded by paths and never knowing which one to take.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my Maker and Guide.  I know that it's my own fault- it's always a slow fade, and no matter how much you say it came out of nowhere, you always know it's coming.  And yet, I find myself asking, how long, Lord?  How long until I hear your voice again?  How long must I roam the desert before I will once again rest by your life-giving oasis?  

How broken must I be before you will rush down to save me?

These are my questions, ignorant and arrogant though they may be, they all have something in common; Hope.


I'm getting by on hope and hope alone these days.  I have hope, and faith, that no matter how lost I am or ever will be, my Guide will find me.  Nothing short of His redeeming love can cause me to sing as I did in my youth again.  And there is nothing I long for more than to sing to Him that way once more, and forever more when I reach those pearly gates.  I don't know where I'm going, I don't like the looks of where I've been, and I can't hardly comprehend where I'm at...

So here I will wander and I will wait... to be found.

<3

"I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here."

It's strange to say it, but I think I'm in love.  My boyfriend, Zach, is better for me than I could ever have prayed for.  This man is a gift from God, and he is my anchor.

Get this.  We went to a Creed concert recently, and I got a little anxious.  I had a bit of a panic attack, and Zach left our wonderful pavilion seats to sit on the much less exciting lawn.  And then he bought me a single long-stem rose, gave me some water, and lead me back into the pavilion to enjoy the concert together.

If that isn't a great guy- then what is?

So, here's the thing- I've always had a "tight grip on reality", and I have plans.  In a year, I have my heart set on attending Asbury University in Kentucky- 6 hours away from home.  I've always had this pretty picture in my mind of what my future is going to look like... and it never included being in a serious relationship.  I want to be with him- I want to alter my plans for him.  But it just isn't easy to change something your heart is set on.

I guess, when you're in love, plans don't really matter.  No one "plans" to fall in love, and love remains no matter what your plans are.  I'm learning to stop planning, start loving, and love leaning on the Lord for my future.

Who needs plans anyways?

I can't let go of what's in front of me here...

<3